"a sudden understanding, a pity mixed with horror welled up in bilbo's heart. a glimpse of endless unmarked days without light or hope of betterment, hard stone, cold fish, sneaking and whispering. all these thoughts passed in a flash of a second. he trembled. and then quite suddenly in another flash, as if lifted by a new strength and resolve, he leaped. " from the hobbit, by j. r. r. tolkein

i thought that i had prepared myself pretty well for this news. i have researched breast cancer treatments, and i was fairly certain there was a good chance that i would need to have some chemotherapy. my general surgeon hinted at it at my visit last week. he told me, " well, you know, your lymph nodes are clear, which is great, but the kind of cancer that you have, and the fact that you have three lesions- two of which are fairly big, the oncologist just might advise that you have chemotherapy." he went on to say that he really was not sure what the oncologist might say for sure. my surgeon told me that if i had had  only had two lesions, or if it had not been the " invasive lobular" kind that he was pretty sure that i would not need chemotherapy.

invasive lobular is the maverick of breast cancer types , evidently. i have heard this from several doctors. they have used the words " unpredictable" and even  " sneaky". the oncologist told me today that it sort of spreads out, like fingers , and tries to invade other organs in your body. he told me that he recently had a patient return after 9 years in remission, to have this cancer appear in several other organs in her body. that sort of sealed the deal for me. i would rather suffer though a round of chemotherapy than to gamble that this cancer might return in a few years.

so, my " introduction to having chemotherapy, 101" so to speak, is next wednesday. a chemotherapy nurse will go over what will happen, side effects, medications used,etc, and i will ask questions. then, the actual chemotherapy is the wednesday after that. the oncologist told me that i would get four treatments- each three weeks apart. it is a combo therapy of two drugs, one which has fairly severe side effects. yes, i will lose my hair. but the scariest one is the fact that i could develop leukemia from the treatment. they will boost my white blood cell count with an injection that i will receive on the thursday after my first chemotherapy treatment. i will see the oncologist the week after- to tell him how badly i feel, i imagine, then just every three weeks when i get another chemotherapy treatment.

my husband and i listened to what the oncologist had to say and tried to process everything. i will say that the words "horror" and " pity", as noted in the hobbit quote above , did cross my mind. medically, logically, this makes sense. but when it comes to the reality of the situation, and the fact that this is something that is going to be happening to YOU - well, it scares me and my husband to pieces. i am certainly not the first or last woman to have to have chemotherapy. i am sure that it is much improved from just a few years ago. i appreciate all of the research that has gone on, and the fact that early detection was available to me.

so, after a time of fear and apprehension, which i am sure will come and go over the course of the next week, i am planning to gather my strength and faith, and leap into the only course of action that i can. i have to go forward, and i have to try everything that i can to be here for my wonderful and supportive family and friends. to use one of my favorite quotes from the hobbit, and one that i have used before, " so comes snow after fire. and even dragons have their endings".