"where did you go, if i may ask? said thorin to gandalf as they rode along. to look ahead, said he. and what brought you back in the nick of time? looking behind, said gandalf." from the hobbit, by j. j. r. tolkein

i had one of my  three doctor's appointments this week,  today. this one was with the plastic surgeon- to remove my bandages and check my incisions and the four drains . jeff drove me over of course, but i wanted him to wait outside in the waiting room this time. i had decided not to look yet, but of course i did. i held my tears until i got back to the car, but i did cry a little. to me it seemed a little like when someone dies and you do not get to go to their funeral. their passing just does not seem real unless you are there. so, by looking at my chest a little today, this whole thing seems more real to me. crazy as it may sound, we sometimes protect ourselves from seeing/knowing things until we are ready for them.

yesterday was the infamous "third day after surgery". i thought it was just an urban legend, but i felt so bad! all i could do was to lie down in bed and try to sleep. when the nurse called to see how i was doing, she confirmed the " third day theory" and said that if my body needed rest, do so! in my job, i have to have complete control over whatever is going on. i am responsible for things, especially when i am the only pharmacist on duty. this illness and recovery has been an out of control experience for me. in fact, there has been little that i feel i have any control over.

on thursday, i will see the general surgeon for the final pathology report and check up. i suppose that we will go over any further treatment that i will need. i am trying not to get my hopes up that i will not need chemotherapy. i know that i will have to take some kind of estrogen blocking drug. my cancer was estrogen and progesterone positive- which means that there are currently more drugs to treat it. if the doctors think that i need a round of chemotherapy, i will of course do it. at this point, i am just trying to do everything that i possibly can to be here for my family.

on friday, i go back to the plastic surgeon for the removal of the four drains. i am not looking forward to this! i asked him how it was, and he hedged a little. he said, " well, as soon as we get them out you can take a shower again!". that is some good news, though- for ALL of us. i have never gone a week without a shower before.

so looking ahead and looking back. i guess life is a little of both. some people like to say that they live in the moment only. while i like the concept of that, truthfully i do think about what has happened before and what may happen in the future. and just try to choose the best road for me to travel on.