"where did you go, if i may ask? said thorin to gandalf as they rode along. to look ahead, said he. and what brought you back in the nick of time? looking behind, said gandalf." from the hobbit, by j. j. r. tolkein

i had one of my  three doctor's appointments this week,  today. this one was with the plastic surgeon- to remove my bandages and check my incisions and the four drains . jeff drove me over of course, but i wanted him to wait outside in the waiting room this time. i had decided not to look yet, but of course i did. i held my tears until i got back to the car, but i did cry a little. to me it seemed a little like when someone dies and you do not get to go to their funeral. their passing just does not seem real unless you are there. so, by looking at my chest a little today, this whole thing seems more real to me. crazy as it may sound, we sometimes protect ourselves from seeing/knowing things until we are ready for them.

yesterday was the infamous "third day after surgery". i thought it was just an urban legend, but i felt so bad! all i could do was to lie down in bed and try to sleep. when the nurse called to see how i was doing, she confirmed the " third day theory" and said that if my body needed rest, do so! in my job, i have to have complete control over whatever is going on. i am responsible for things, especially when i am the only pharmacist on duty. this illness and recovery has been an out of control experience for me. in fact, there has been little that i feel i have any control over.

on thursday, i will see the general surgeon for the final pathology report and check up. i suppose that we will go over any further treatment that i will need. i am trying not to get my hopes up that i will not need chemotherapy. i know that i will have to take some kind of estrogen blocking drug. my cancer was estrogen and progesterone positive- which means that there are currently more drugs to treat it. if the doctors think that i need a round of chemotherapy, i will of course do it. at this point, i am just trying to do everything that i possibly can to be here for my family.

on friday, i go back to the plastic surgeon for the removal of the four drains. i am not looking forward to this! i asked him how it was, and he hedged a little. he said, " well, as soon as we get them out you can take a shower again!". that is some good news, though- for ALL of us. i have never gone a week without a shower before.

so looking ahead and looking back. i guess life is a little of both. some people like to say that they live in the moment only. while i like the concept of that, truthfully i do think about what has happened before and what may happen in the future. and just try to choose the best road for me to travel on.

"gandalf: all good stories deserve embellishment. you'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back. bilbo: can you promise that i will come back? gandalf: no. and if you do... you will not be the same.'" from the hobbit, by j. r. r. tolkein

what a journey so far! and of course i made it back, more or less in one piece. i had wonderful doctors and nurses to take care of me. a lot of my family was there to see me off, to my adventures in the operating room. and my daughter and her family came yesterday afternoon. i think that i have done pretty well. my plastic surgeon said that i was a "trooper", and let me go home early. the average stay for this is three days. i made it home in a day and a night.

as the saying goes," the kindness of strangers", always overwhelms me. the anesthesiologist talked to me as i was getting ready to go into the operating room. i told him that i got really sick from anesthesia( when i had my thyroid cancer surgery, i got sick four times. not good when you have an incision in your neck!). anyway, the anesthesiologist told me that he would pull out all the stops for me, and he did. a patch behind my ear( kept me from seeing double), a long acting drug- called emend for nausea, and zofran given iv while i was on the table. of course, me being me, i still got sick once after surgery, but i will take it. it was much better than last time. i got a small dose of phenergan after i got sick. so you might say that i had a smorgasbord of all of the anti- nausea drugs, and it took every single one of them! the anesthesiologist told me that his wife had had a bilateral mastectomy. he was extra sympathetic, i think because of this. i told him that i was sorry to hear that. he looked to be in his 40s, so i assumed that his wife was the same age.

i am certainly over the child bearing years. to me, that is the saddest part of losing my breasts. i fed my babies until they were 11 months, and 13 months of age. it was hard to do at first, but i persevered( or i was stubborn, you choose) and it paid off. good nutrition for them, and it was special time for just us. i also think that it establishes a bond between mother and child that can never be broken. i am so glad that i had the opportunity to do this for us. but it does make me more than a little sad to lose my breasts to breast cancer. on the positive side,  i have good memories, and i will continue to do what i gotta do to be around for my family.

as gandalf reminds bilbo, " when you return, you will never be the same". and that is very true of any unexpected journey. some bad ( well, awful) things happened to me , and some very good things came out of this as well . i always have loved and appreciated my family, but i do so even more now. i have had my faith strengthened, and i continue to work on a positive attitude. i am examining the next steps in my life. what do i want to do now? i still do not have all of the answers, but i am getting there.

" it was at this point that bilbo stopped. going on from here was the bravest thing he ever did. the tremendous things that happened afterwards were as nothing compared to it. he fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast danger that lay in wait. " from the hobbit, by j. r. r. tolken

i think that the bravest thing that i will  have done in my life, so far anyway, will be to show up at the hospital tomorrow.  i feel like just driving on down to the beach. it was a beautiful day today, and i am sure that  it will be tomorrow. i went to work today, a short day. i worked 8 to 4, but it seemed longer. it was harder than i thought that it would be. my coworkers were great, as usual, but it was harder for me to concentrate today  than it has been up to now. someone from the hospital called me and asked me several pre -surgery questions. " have you been out of the country lately?" me: i wish. " have you been exposed to any  communicable diseases in the past two weeks?"  me: well, it is sort of my job. "have you been exposed to any livestock in the past two weeks?" me:  let me think about that one, and i will get back to you. just kidding, no to that one. 

i talked with the breast care nurse yesterday. she helped me last month  during my two breast biopsies. she will be with me for the sentinel lymph node biopsy tomorrow and will spend some time with me on saturday  before i leave to go home. home- i already miss it! i can not say enough good things about the breast care nurse at frye. she is so very good at her job, and she gives such good patient care. but of course, it takes a village- or a lot of health professionals, to make a surgery or hospital stay successful. i feel confident that i have chosen a very good place to have my surgery, and i like both of my surgeons. 

i have been amazed and humbled by all of the people who have prayed for me and sent cards and their good wishes. this is very important to me, and i hope that i have shown my appreciation to everyone who has done this for me. if not, please accept my thanks now. i will not forget your kindness. 

my husband, or daughter, will post a short message tomorrow( i hope) after my surgery to let everyone know how i did. hopefully i will do well enough to be able to come home on saturday. there is no place like home! whoops, wrong movie. here is another quote from the hobbit: " where there is life, there is hope.". i am  hoping to slay some dragons tomorrow( my surgery starts at 1pm) and be back home in time for a nice cup of tea. something that a hobbit would certainly  enjoy,too. 

" go back, he thought. no good at all! go sideways? impossible! go forward? only thing to do. on we go! so up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him, and his heart all of a pitter, patter. " from the hobbit, by j. r.r. tolkien

this is precisely how i feel. i feel as small as a little hobbit, my trusty little sword in hand, staring up at an enormous, fire breathing dragon( breast cancer). my unexpected journey started up again today, and i am frightened, sad, overwhelmed, and discouraged. but i am also determined to get better, whatever dragons i may have to slay along the way.

today, i had my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon. it was a more difficult visit  than i had imagined. i am so glad that i stopped by my husband's work place so that he could go with me. the surgeon discussed the procedures again- he likes to go over everything twice he said. that is good because my husband was there to catch any information that either i did not, or did not want to hear.
the most upsetting thing about my appointment today was when the nurse took pictures. i can not explain why that upset me so much, but it did. i was not embarrassed, that was not the reason. i guess the reality of what is going to happen to me in a little over a week is starting to seep in.

the waiting has definitely been hard. but in some ways, it may have been a good thing. i have been able to take a little time to get adjusted to what will be, as the saying goes, my " new normal". hey, i already have a new normal  courtesy of my  thyroid cancer. as my navigation  system likes to remind me when i drive somewhere, i will have to " redirect my route".

working during this "waiting time" has been good for me overall. i get really, really tired but i enjoy what i do, and the people that i work with have been wonderful to me. when someone sees that i am exhausted ( the red eyes and blank stare probably give this away) they jump right in to help me. i try to do my fair share of the work, and i do not like to ask for help( my husband calls this being stubborn). somehow my coworkers know when to come to the rescue without me having to ask. i am very fortunate to have such considerate people to work with.

go back? not possible. sideways? not sure how to do that! so the only thing that i can do now is to go forward. i am not sure what is ahead of me, but then again, none of us have the answer to that question. so, i have my trusty little sword with me, and to quote bilbo, from the hobbit again, " so comes snow after fire and even dragons have their endings."

relay for life, relay for love

yesterday evening my husband and i went to our first relay for life event. i have been wanting to attend one for some time now. but as luck would have it, i have previously been scheduled to work. or, five years ago, after my thyroid surgery, it was too soon for me to be able to get around the track! i find it odd that on may 19th of this year, i will be a 5 year thyroid cancer survivor. but on may 22nd, i will be having a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer. because of this, it was difficult for me to feel in a celebratory mood yesterday.

my son is a music education major, and teaches at a local elementary school. his chorus performed at last night's relay for life. i will admit that my husband and i attended the event, just to see his chorus. i was so proud of the children! they sang with pride and enthusiasm. my son is great with children, and has a wonderful conducting style.( o.k. i am partial, but it is true). it gives me a lot of hope for the future when i see these kids participating in an event like this. the wind was blowing and it was a bit cold, but that did not dampen their enthusiasm in the least. they sang their little hearts out. i did not do a " full on cry", but i will admit that i had a few tears in my eyes.

the relay for life event, at least in our town, was a little unorganized. it was loud, and at times, somewhat confusing. what was crystal clear though, was the support and love that was offered to all the cancer survivors. the various walks around the tracks were themed. one was for survivors and caregivers, another for western wear supporters, and then the one that got to me was the walk by the children. i wish that there would come the time when children were not affected in some way by cancer. it was heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time.

so i think that the " relay for life events" could also be called "the relay for love". there sure was a whole lot of love to be found there yesterday. and that, for me, was the best part.