"where did you go, if i may ask? said thorin to gandalf as they rode along. to look ahead, said he. and what brought you back in the nick of time? looking behind, said he. " from the hobbit by j. r. r. tolkein

yes, i know that i have used this quote before, but it is so fitting for this blog today. today marks the 3 month anniversary of my surgery. as i think about that day, i remember coming out of the recovery room and making the trip back to my hospital room. there were lots of people surrounding me, and the lights were so bright. i remember that someone asked me " who is the president of the united states?" my first thought was, " seriously, you don't know??" but then i realized they wanted to know if i knew. for a split second, i thought about saying " george washington", but even in my drugged state i realized that was not a good idea. so i told them the correct answer. and by the way, our president's name is not very easy to say when you are on pain medication. it seemed like i was talking  in slow motion and that it took forever for me to finish speaking. after answering another question, "what is today's date", i threw up. test over. good thing, because if they had started on, say, the state capitols, i would have been in trouble.

so, i have begun part three of my unexpected journey with breast cancer. i am still dealing with the side effects of the chemotherapy, the worst being the nausea,and not sleeping well. it will certainly be a happy day when i can get through just one day without side effects. i feel like they are going to last  forever, but of course, they will not. i have thought about my future a little, but i have not made any firm plans as yet. it is sort of like when you are in your car, with the nav system on, and you make an unexpected or wrong turn. that voice comes on and says " redirecting route!" one day i was going to work every day, doing ordinary stuff, and then the next day i was having a routine mammogram which definitely redirected my  route.

some people say you should only live in the present. i am a worrier by nature, so i think about the past, present and what could possibly go wrong in the future. i think that it helps us decide about our future when we look over our past a little. almost 5 years ago  to the day that i had my breast cancer surgery, i had surgery for thyroid cancer. i thought , at that  time, that i had figured out what was most important in my life and that i knew where my life was headed. i still have my priorities straight, i think, but my path has changed a bit. i want to be really, really happy. i do not want to have to deal with an overabundance of stress in my life. a stress free life would only be possible in fairy tales, i think, so i do not wish for that.

for now, i try to be focused on the present. i need to concentrate  on feeling better from this chemotherapy.  i have one more surgery, probably in october, to get through. i am still  in "discussions" with my plastic surgeon about the amount of saline to add to my temporary inserts, which is entertaining to say the least. at some point, i will make more decisions about my future. i am still a work in progress, as they say, and on top of that, i am on a redirected route.

part three of my adventures with breast cancer: healing from the chemotherapy, and reconstruction. or as my plastic surgeon calls it " the expansion process.". we are headed out west, i guess......

there are so many parts to a journey with breast cancer. i had no idea. i am finished with part one, the surgery, and thank goodness with part two, the chemotherapy, i am still struggling with some nausea and a few other side effects from the medications that they gave me,  but i am so relieved to be finished with that part! i just have to rest and be patient with myself. it is going to take some time. more time  than i had imagined when i first was diagnosed. it helps, i think, to try to take things one step at a time. there is so much to consider- it is really overwhelming to try to think about everything at once. of course, i have researched, and tried to be well informed about my choices, but sometimes it is good to just consider what is right in front of you.

and speaking of what is right in front of me, that brings up the subject of my " foobies". i have had difficulty deciding what to call my reconstructed "breasts". foobies is a term favored by a lot of women who have had breast cancer.  my real breasts are gone. i regret having had breast cancer, but i think that i made the correct decision in having the double mastectomies. as my  general surgeon said, you sure do not want to have to do this twice! i told my surgeon that i wanted to be aggressive in my treatment, in hopes that the cancer does not return. hopefully, that will be the case. now, back to the foobies. breast reconstruction is different than breast augmentation. or as my plastic surgeon put it, " you are not getting a boob job, honey." some people have said that i am lucky, that i will have" perky breasts". here is the truth: they feel like rocks on my chest.  at times, i can feel the metal ports where the saline is injected and it is uncomfortable. a wide part of my chest is permanently numb, but i can feel the areas above and below  where my breasts were. the inserts that i have now are temporary. when the surgeon and i quit "discussing" how much saline that needs to be added, i will have another surgery and the permanent ones will be inserted.

i have opted for the silicone inserts. the saline ones can " pucker". boy, that gives you a good picture in your head, right? also, thankfully, there has been much improvement made in the silicone inserts. instead of a possible leakage if somehow they are damaged, the new silicone inserts stay together. and they are soft- something my plastic surgeon has reminded me of several times when i complain about the stiffness of the temporary saline inserts. i love my plastic surgeon, but he always tells me how it is.

so for now, i am trying to rest and get rid of some more of this nausea. i am also continuing along with the reconstruction process, aka the" expansion process". my surgery can not take place until mid to late october because the doctors want me to be recovered and my blood work to be back to normal before i have more done . so, i am continuing to see my plastic surgeon every couple of weeks or so, and we go a few rounds about how far out west my foobies will travel. i know that he has my best interests at heart, but i would just as soon keep my foobies closer to my chest.

" may the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks!" from the hobbit, by j. r. r. tolkein!

in other words, i am hoping for better days to come! my last chemo was yesterday. the nurses said that i went out with a bang( why did i expect anything else?) five needle sticks, three nurses later, and as i said yesterday in a short post , it was not any one's fault. i have deep veins and they hide- not a bad idea considering what was coming. at one point, the nurses said that i might have to go home and come back on monday. now this scared me to death. i was prepared for friday, and i certainly did not want to worry about it over the weekend.( i am pretty good at worrying, unfortunately.)

so the third time was the charm, as they say. this little nurse , who had not stuck me before, came in my treatment room. frankly, i thought it was probably no use, but she found a good vein hiding out on the underside of my wrist. sneaky little vein and probably  thought perhaps no one would notice him, but bam! she got him, and all was well. i thanked her about 100 times before she left. she was not even my chemo nurse for the day. the other nurse who tried ( nurse number two )  was the phone nurse for the day. she  had stuck me successfully last time, but she just shook her head this time.

i would like to say that this time was easier. it was not. but, i was happier, for sure. i know that after the medications that they give you for nausea wear off, and that would be sometime tomorrow, i will no doubt be struggling with the nausea again. darn, that red devil, or adriamycin as others call it. the nurse practitioner did give me some new anti-nausea medications to try this time. i am hoping that they will work. of all of the side effects that chemo has caused, nausea is certainly the worse one for me.

jeff and i wore our " bea strong" shirts yesterday, and the staff just loved them. i told them that my wonderful coworkers had made them for me. i also took along my precious scrapbook that my friends april and charlene had made for me and made the nurses look at the pictures of everyone wearing their tee shirts. they were justifiably impressed. i can not even begin to express my thanks to all of my family and friends for your support. i do not think that i could have made it through all this without your love, prayers and support. i will always be thankful for this.

another person i need to thank, although he does not have facebook, or really does not even know how to work his cell  phone all that well, is my husband, jeff. he has been my rock through all of this. he has comforted me, dried gallons of tears. held my hand when i was so very sick, and most of all, told me i was beautiful, even though i look like a plucked chicken right now. i get teary just writing this, but i really, truly thank God for jeff.  he did however fall for my joke when we were about to turn into the oncology center from the main road. i said, " sweetie, you are in the wrong lane!", jeff said, " no, i am not, this is the turn lane to the doctor's office!". i said, " don't you remember? we are not going to the doctor today, we are heading to the beach!". even though this was the fourth time, he still  fell for it! we did however, go on to the oncology center :(

so, one day before too very long, we WILL be headed to the beach. it will probably be this fall- sometime in october after my last surgery, which will be the final  part of my reconstruction of my "foobies" as some women call them. i guess that is as good a name as anything else for them. this has been an interesting process, and will probably be a blog in itself. i will save that for later...

so, to use my favorite quote from the hobbit " so comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings."

"where there is life, there is hope", from the hobbit, by j. r. r. tolkein

yesterday, i went back to the oncologist for my third neupogen shot and more blood work. to refresh, the neupogen raises my white blood cell count and hopefully keeps me from getting sick. the cancer center is an hour away from my house. my husband is usually off on wednesdays, but had to be out of town for a business meeting. luckily, my son , who lives nearby, was able to go with me. i will have to admit that this has been about my lowest point in my treatment so far. i can handle a fair amount of pain, but when it comes to nausea, i am pretty much a weenie. the new chemo drug that the oncologist had to switch me to causes a LOT of nausea.

when i checked in yesterday,the receptionist asked me what was wrong- i looked like i was not feeling well. i almost cried. my emotions are all over the place now.  anymore, it does not take a hallmark commercial to make me cry. someone can step on an ant, and i am looking for a kleenex. i told her that i was struggling with persistent nausea and she told me to be sure to mention it to the nurse. i did not have to, though, because not only the nurse who gave me my neupogen shot, but the med tech who got my blood work asked me why i was not feeling well.

i can not imagine going through this alone. i have so much love and support from my family and friends. i feel incredibly sympathetic for those people who have no one to offer up a word of encouragement, a smile, a hug. frankly, i am not sure how a person who is alone manages cancer. i have certainly prayed a lot and depended on my faith, but knowing that you have a support group is priceless.

before i left the cancer center yesterday, i told the nurse that i was not sure that i could manage my next treatment, which is scheduled for a week from this coming  friday. she said, " oh, do not give up now! you are almost there. one more treatment and you will be finished. YOU CAN DO THIS!". well, i got some tears in my eyes( remember the ant story) and just nodded, saying  that i would finish. perhaps i am getting my second wind as i head towards the finish line. today, eight days after my last chemo, the nausea is still present, but is getting a little bit better. j. r. r. tolkein said " after fire comes rain, and even dragons have their endings." after the most brutal storm is over, if we are lucky, we can see a rainbow. i said that.