"where did you go, if i may ask? said thorin to gandalf as they rode along. to look ahead, said he. and what brought you back in the nick of time? looking behind, said he. " from the hobbit by j. r. r. tolkein

yes, i know that i have used this quote before, but it is so fitting for this blog today. today marks the 3 month anniversary of my surgery. as i think about that day, i remember coming out of the recovery room and making the trip back to my hospital room. there were lots of people surrounding me, and the lights were so bright. i remember that someone asked me " who is the president of the united states?" my first thought was, " seriously, you don't know??" but then i realized they wanted to know if i knew. for a split second, i thought about saying " george washington", but even in my drugged state i realized that was not a good idea. so i told them the correct answer. and by the way, our president's name is not very easy to say when you are on pain medication. it seemed like i was talking  in slow motion and that it took forever for me to finish speaking. after answering another question, "what is today's date", i threw up. test over. good thing, because if they had started on, say, the state capitols, i would have been in trouble.

so, i have begun part three of my unexpected journey with breast cancer. i am still dealing with the side effects of the chemotherapy, the worst being the nausea,and not sleeping well. it will certainly be a happy day when i can get through just one day without side effects. i feel like they are going to last  forever, but of course, they will not. i have thought about my future a little, but i have not made any firm plans as yet. it is sort of like when you are in your car, with the nav system on, and you make an unexpected or wrong turn. that voice comes on and says " redirecting route!" one day i was going to work every day, doing ordinary stuff, and then the next day i was having a routine mammogram which definitely redirected my  route.

some people say you should only live in the present. i am a worrier by nature, so i think about the past, present and what could possibly go wrong in the future. i think that it helps us decide about our future when we look over our past a little. almost 5 years ago  to the day that i had my breast cancer surgery, i had surgery for thyroid cancer. i thought , at that  time, that i had figured out what was most important in my life and that i knew where my life was headed. i still have my priorities straight, i think, but my path has changed a bit. i want to be really, really happy. i do not want to have to deal with an overabundance of stress in my life. a stress free life would only be possible in fairy tales, i think, so i do not wish for that.

for now, i try to be focused on the present. i need to concentrate  on feeling better from this chemotherapy.  i have one more surgery, probably in october, to get through. i am still  in "discussions" with my plastic surgeon about the amount of saline to add to my temporary inserts, which is entertaining to say the least. at some point, i will make more decisions about my future. i am still a work in progress, as they say, and on top of that, i am on a redirected route.