i am to the " what now" in my breast cancer journey

it is obvious that my breast cancer diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy and reconstruction parts of my journey are over. it has been a long, arduous time in my life. so many things have happened to me, and my entire world has been turned upside down. when i was first diagnosed i just put my life on auto pilot, so to speak. there were decisions that had to be made, and i researched everything of course. but i really put my feelings on hold, and just got on with things. oh, i cried a lot, but i tried to keep a positive attitude during this time- for my family and friends, and for myself as well. writing my blog and sharing information as to what was happening to me has helped me, and i really hope that women reading this blog have had questions answered. i hope that other breast cancer survivors have been able to read about my experiences and think about what may be best for them personally.

it almost seems as if i am entering uncharted territory at this point.  i have had plenty of information as to the medical part of my journey. i have had, and will continue to have, tests of all sorts to make sure that the cancer has not spread. except for the tests, though, i have not been able to find very much  information for the " what now" part of my journey. well meaning health professionals, family, and friends want the very best for me, but they seem to want me to return to " normal" whatever that is, and do so quickly. i have a new normal now, as the saying goes. my life will never be the same as it was before. 

i have just finished reading a very good book, called: "after breast cancer, a common sense guide for life after treatment" by hester hill schnipper. ms. schnipper is in health care, and is a breast cancer survivor herself. it was amazing to me how much of her book pertained to me! she answered a lot of my questions about the " what now" part of my journey. she also has some chapters in the book that help the husband/spouse know what a breast cancer survivor is feeling. the chapters open the door for some honest discussion on how now only the patient feels, but  what the spouse or caregiver is feeling at this point. 

i would also like to recount a story in the "after breast cancer" book  that one of the cancer survivors told to ms. schnipper .the breast cancer survivor and her family took a family vacation to peru. they were in a group of americans who were hiking up a steep trail that leads to the temples of machu picchu. at the same time, a group of peruvians were  hiking up to the temples, and were in front of the american group. the peruvians were evidently taking their time, and would stop to rest from time to time. being the impatient americans that we are, the americans  shouted" what are you doing?! we are trying to get a move on here!" to which the peruvians replied, " we are waiting. we need to give our souls a chance to catch up." i think this is marvelous! i frequently run out of energy, and am not able to keep up what was once my normal pace. i will try to remember this story, and give my soul a chance to catch up.i also find that i am taking more time to appreciate the world around me- nature especially. i have always enjoyed nature, but i am taking more time to smell the flowers, or for my soul to catch up, as the peruvians said.

i have said before in my blogs that we are all different. just as one medication or treatment does not fit  all, i think that everyone's recovery period is different. i believe  that every breast( or other) cancer survivor has different feelings about recovery and has different needs. there is no one set time table for this. if you have had cancer you are changed forever. i believe that it can be a positive thing for survivors.but be yourself, take your time in recovery, wait for " your soul to catch up." i might add to live life to the fullest. that is what i plan to do, even if i do lag behind a little and need to sit down for a while.

hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work i go.......

my appointment with the oncologist this past thursday went pretty well . i had blood work, and part of the test ( to be precise, the cbc/plt/,diff.) was  read immediately. there were 6 values that i was"abby normal" on, but my oncologist did not seem to think that it was important at this time. i was a little concerned because it was just 4 values  that were off last time. most of the ones that were off were the ones that measure platelets and red blood cells. i am not sure what this means for me  exactly,  but i will be seeing  my endocrinologist in april for my big thyroid cancer testing, so i will ask her. i get to have more blood work done then, yay, and also an ultrasound. i am  not sure about a bone density test, but my oncologist said to be sure to tell my endocrinologist that i am taking the arimidex( an estrogen blocking drug, used to treat breast cancer). this drug can cause osteoporosis. i hate to be a whiner, but i truly hate taking the arimidex. it causes me to have severe arthritis like symptoms, as well as muscle aches. it has gotten a little bit better since i started, but i am still having to deal with this. i told my oncologist that i was probably more stubborn than the drug, so i would continue taking it. the reason being, as i have said before, arimidex decreases the recurrence of breast cancer by 22%. since my odds of having a recurrence are about 30%, this tips the odds a little bit in my favor. what else can you do?

my doctor gave me  the OK to return to work this week. i faxed the paper work  to my district manager, and yesterday was my first day back at work since i started this unexpected journey. i have traveled for ten months down this road. sometimes it seems like i started yesterday, and sometimes it seems like i have been traveling forever.i was very anxious tuesday evening- so many things to worry about! would i have enough energy to get through the day? would i remember how to use the computer? would the computer programs installed since i left be difficult to learn? i work with some very nice people. everyone was very helpful and kind to me. i did leave a little early, but it was more an issue with pharmacy hours than my stamina. i will say that i was pretty exhausted when i got home!

i am just planning on working two days a month- every other sunday- at this point. i may work extra when my partners take vacation, if they need for me to ( and if i can handle it). i enjoyed seeing some of my customers yesterday,too. i got a few hugs, and some people told me that it was " good to see me back" which  was really nice.  of course. it was a somewhat, for us anyway, slow day at work. no problems to speak of, so i know it was not indicative of a normal day at work. still, i was proud of myself for being able to do my job, and for being able to complete the day without having to call 911.

i think one of the reasons that i returned to work, besides wanting to see  my coworkers  and the fact that i get to help people, is that i wanted to retire on my terms, and not on cancer's terms.i worked up until may 21st of last year. my surgery was on may 22nd. and then i was off for ten months. most of that time i was too sick to think about anything other than making it from one day to the next. but as i slowly got better , i had the time to consider what i wanted out of my life, i have a very stressful job, and i know that i can not, nor do i want, to return to work full time. it would not be the best thing for me, or anyone else. still, i have  missed  the patient contact while i have been on medical leave. i enjoy helping other people take care of themselves, and i feel that i still have a little more  to offer my customers. there are some other things that i would like to do with my life, though. i want to garden, write (something), and spend more time with my grandchildren. so, it comes down to a little work, and more play! my husband has cut his hours, though not as much as i have, so we can spend more time together. when our children were little, we worked opposite schedules so that one of us could be with them. long story short, we would like to see each other more. we want to be able to do fun things while we are still young enough to enjoy them.

so, i am heading back for a little bit of work, and hopefully, a lot more fun. i have this one life- and it is a gift- and i intend to make the very best of it!

my doctor's appointment today was a "warm up" for the one that i have on thursday.....

today i had an appointment with my plastic surgeon. i actually do not mind going to their office- well, except for that one time i had to have "in office"surgery. it is a small office, not too small though. but unlike the oncologists office, you can actually see from one end of the waiting room to the other. and another thing, i thought perhaps i had lost my mind, but whenever i go to the oncologists office i get nauseous. my husband told me that he has read that patients who have had their chemotherapy in the office, that would be me, associate the building with the nausea they experienced from the chemotherapy. that makes me feel somewhat like a lab rat, though. you know the ones who scream or something when they hear the bell? perhaps i am just a participant in some nefarious lab experiment?

i thought that today would be my last day at the plastic surgeon's office, and that he would release me. of course, things never go quite as you might like, but it was not a bad appointment. i made some cupcakes for everyone last night, and i brought those along. everyone in the surgeon's office conducts themselves in a professional manner, but the office has a comforting family feel to it. i usually bring my doctor and his staff some  cookies, muffins, or something homemade. i like to cook, and this way i can give most of what i cook away and i do not end up eating it!

the outcome today was that i have to return in two months. that one trouble maker side is still not completely healed up. the surgeon said that he should be able to release me in two months. maybe my doctor and his staff just want some more cupcakes? at any rate, at least i am making some progress and not going backwards. i still have some lifting restrictions, but basically he said to do what i want, but if it hurts stop. sage advice for anyone.

i am already getting nervous about thursday's appointment with the oncologist. they will do blood work, and thanks to state of the art equipment, they will have the results in just a few minutes. that really  amazes me. always having to wait on results from blood work from my family doctor, or even my endocrinologist in raleigh, makes me wish every doctor had this technology. i also have an office visit with my oncologist after my blood work has been finished. he will schedule the appointment for my CAT scan, which will be done next month. i had a short reprieve from doctors, needles,etc. but looks like we are all back in business for a while. my big thyroid cancer check up comes up next month,too. i really can not have any more cancers! this is getting to be too much for me to keep up with.

my husband and i have planned a trip on thursday, just as soon as we can escape from the oncologists office. we are going to nashville ( i have never been) to see john prine and iris dement. we would like  to tour the grand ole opry while we are there.this is part of an early celebration marking our 39th wedding anniversary. we happen to be working this year on the actual day of our anniversary, which will be on april 2nd. last year on that day, we both were in the general surgeon's office and i received the "official " news that i had breast cancer. i am hoping for better news this year, and while i will not be going to the beach, i am heading out of town. and that is a beautiful thing.

this time last year, it truly was "march madness" for me

it is hard to believe that it has been almost a year since i began my unexpected journey with breast cancer. it began in mid- march of last year, with a routine, or so i thought, yearly, mammogram. i remember getting the call from my doctor's office . one of the nurses said that they wanted to send me to an imaging center that did the newer 3d mammograms for a closer look. i have been "called back" before, several times in fact, so i was not worried. i went by myself, as i did not think that  it was serious enough to take anyone along with me.

at the imaging center, they did the 3d mammogram, then the doctor requested an ultrasound. o.k., this was something new, but i was not overly worried at the time. they did the ultrasound, then the technician gave me a long stemmed  rose.( at this particular imaging center, they give all of their female patients a rose at the conclusion of your test. it is a nice touch.). only this time, instead of being told it was nothing, i was asked to come into the radiologists office. i remember that i was holding onto the rose so tightly that the thorns were digging into my hands. the radiologist's office was dark, and he had my pictures up on his computer screen, i remember that it was cold in his office, and it was very quiet. it seemed as if the technician, radiologist, as well as myself were all  holding our breaths.  i remember placing the rose down quietly on his desk, while i looked at my pictures. surely these films belonged to someone else? although i am not a radiologist, i clearly saw the monster in my left breast.

i have used a phrase from the hobbit several times  in my blogs  about "even dragons have their endings". i can still see  the image of my tumors- i did not know at the time, but there were three of them. and combined, they  really did look like a dragon. that image is forever burned in my memory. somehow i made the drive home, it took an hour to get there, and during that time i was sort of driving on auto pilot. good thing my car knows the way home, i guess.

on that day, my own march madness,  my life changed forever. i somehow continued to work, to be a mom, to be a wife,a grandmother, a sister, a friend. i made it  through two biopsies, several appointments with surgeons, other doctor visits, until finally the big day arrived. on may 22nd, i had my bilateral mastectomies. it has been a wild ride, a bumpy road, and there have been  several things that have gone wrong. there are, however, several things that have turned out well, for which i am extremely grateful. i always want to be sure to thank everyone- my family, friends,and  excellent health care professionals who have helped me along the way. my faith has helped me through some pretty rough times, and i have done some serious soul searching along the way.

on march 10th, i have a follow up visit with the oncologist. they will do a lot of blood work, and i will have an office visit with the doctor to go over the results. later on that day, i also will  have another visit with my plastic surgeon. i am praying for good news from both doctors. i am hoping that i will have a calmer  spring this year. i am ready to begin a new journey. one that will be filled with happiness, good health, and the appreciation of what is really important in my life.