yesterday i went to see my plastic surgeon. it was for a follow up visit, and also to schedule my last surgery. the one where i will get my permanent implants for reconstruction. for five months now, i have been working on healing up a place on my right "foobie" where the stitches broke open. some of it was my fault, i will admit. i am not a good patient. i went grocery shopping by myself too early, and on top of that, i carried in all of the groceries. it would have been o.k. if i had made 70 trips or so, but me being me, i carried them all in in about three trips. it was shortly after that when the stitches broke open. my plastic surgeon said," well sometimes things like this happen." yesterday when he looked at my chest he grimaced. never a good thing when a surgeon makes a "yuck face" when checking you out!
i have been using hydrogen peroxide and bactroban( antibiotic ointment ) as per the surgeon's instructions all this time. i think that some of my slow healing was perhaps due to the chemotherapy. it was all happening at the same time, and i think that the toxic drugs slowed down the healing process. my white blood cells did plummet about 3 times, so that played a part. so, the surgeon said that he now has to " re-cut and re-stitch" that place on my chest. he will do it when i am under anesthesia ( thank God) for the reconstruction. just thinking about this makes me cringe! i really do not have any or very much feeling in that area, but it is just mainly the idea of the procedure that makes me queasy.
i was pretty depressed yesterday, i will admit. the idea of having to fix my incision too, means that the surgery will take longer and i run a higher risk of infection, to quote the surgeon. what should be a " same day" surgery , now could possibly involve an overnight stay. also, there is a possibility of a DRAIN. i had four drains when i had my bilateral mastectomies. they were cumbersome to say the least, but i will admit that although i really dreaded having the drains removed in the office, it was not that uncomfortable. if anyone reading this has to have drains removed, just remember to take a deep breath in and blow out when the nurse removes them. i am not sure if this helps with the removal process or just takes your mind off of what the nurse is doing. either way, it works.
i thought that my surgery would probably be the second week in november. that would have worked out perfectly. notice i used the words WOULD HAVE. as it is, my pre-op appointment is on november 23rd, and my surgery is not until december 4th. #everybodylovesmysurgeon and #thatiswhyheissobusy. it is my turn to have all the family over for thanksgiving this year. we have a Christmas celebration planned for the week before Christmas. (we do the" every other"thing in my family since we are a little scattered out). i think that the holidays/surgery will sort itself out, but one of my grandson's birthdays is on december 3rd. i am pretty sure that his party will be on december 5th, due to his parent's work schedules. i probably will not be able to make the party this year. i have decided to spend some time with him on his actual birthday, and hope that he will understand why i will not be able to attend his party( he will be 4 this year).
so, after getting a bunch of lemons yesterday, i decided, after a short while of feeling sorry for myself, to make lemonade. after all, i have so much to be thankful for. things could be a whole lot worse for me, and i have great family and friends for support. things may not be going the way that i thought that they would, but at least they are going. and as a bonus, i finally get to go to the beach next week! a little beach therapy is just what the doctor ordered, i think.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
where to now, on my journey?
when i started this "unexpected journey with breast cancer" i was pretty numb. i knew the facts of my situation, from a health stand point, and i knew, after research and discussion, what my treatment options were going to be. i just did what i had to do to hopefully get rid of this cancer and get better. a lot of people that i know have said that i am brave, but i do not feel brave at all. i suppose that if you consider a quote that i have come to consider my motto of sorts, and i will paraphrase, " being afraid of the horse, but saddling up to ride anyway" then i am somewhat brave. that is what i have had to do. i have had to make difficult health choices, and i have been scared to death at times, but i have followed through with what i believe will be best for my health. or to put it another way, i have done what i had to do, so that i can be here to spend more time with my family and friends.
i purchased a new cell phone this weekend. it has been fun exploring all of the new gadgets that this phone has, and i am really looking forward to taking better pictures of my children and grandchildren. last night, i was playing around adding ring tones for various contacts and message alerts when i came across the theme song from the "hobbit, an unexpected journey". and of course i had to add that one. for some reason, that music makes me very sentimental. o.k. , i might tear up a bit. but when i hear it, i think of my journey- when i started it( this past march- believe it or not) with my first mammogram. from there things moved so fast, it seems to me. i took a few days off, when i had the fine needle biopsy, and then again for the sterotactic biopsy, but i worked up to the day before my surgery. i see my plastic surgeon again on october 26th, and he will decide when my last surgery for the reconstruction will be. i think it will probably be the second week in november, from what the office staff has told me. the surgeon said that i would need about two weeks to recover from the surgery- it is an out patient procedure.
one of the hardest parts of this whole process has been the chemotherapy. i am not used to being in bed with a cold wash cloth on my head for large parts of the day! as my dad used to say, it was something that really " got my attention" ! the nausea was something that really sidelined me for more time that i could have imagined. but of course, another challenge has been losing my breasts. i was switching out my summer night gowns for my winter night gowns last night, and i came across all of my old bras. i had just stashed them in a chest upstairs, and had forgotten about them. of course, i can not wear them anymore. i suppose that it was just too difficult for me to throw them away at first. my husband offered to throw them away for me, but i wanted to do it myself. i constantly remind myself that i am so fortunate to have had my children and breast fed them before i had breast cancer. my heart goes out to those women diagnosed with breast cancer who are young, and have not had this opportunity. i think that working in health care has enabled me to see that whenever i start to feel sorry for myself, i can think of so many others who have had a more difficult journey than my own.
so, i am beginning to ask myself some difficult questions, such as where to now on my journey? i am still somewhat in the recovery stage. i have occasional nausea and headaches, and a few of my toes are still numb from the chemotherapy. my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes are finally starting to grow back in, so i look " less sick". i do get pretty tired in the afternoons, and i am not as patient with myself, perhaps, as i should be. but i am beginning to wonder where i am going from here. what do i want to do with my life? i received a good thyroid cancer check up this week, but all and all i am pretty tired of cancer. i do not want it to define my life, as others say, but in reality, it just does. everything has changed- but not all of it is negative. i am still humbled by all of the cards, gifts, and comments on facebook that i have received from friends that i know and do not know. i hope that everyone knows just how much that has meant to me. some days, when i was feeling so poorly, a card would come in , or i would read a supportive post on facebook, and it would just make my day. the good thoughts, best wishes and prayers helped me get through the really tough parts. and i am so very grateful for that.
so like the hobbit on his journey, i am not sure what is waiting for me on the road ahead. i am trying to put one foot in front of the other, and hoping that i make good decisions along the way. i think that in some ways, the first part of my journey was a little easier than it is now. at this point , i still have some health choices to make, but it has become a question of not so much how, but where i am going. i will have to get back to you on that one.
i purchased a new cell phone this weekend. it has been fun exploring all of the new gadgets that this phone has, and i am really looking forward to taking better pictures of my children and grandchildren. last night, i was playing around adding ring tones for various contacts and message alerts when i came across the theme song from the "hobbit, an unexpected journey". and of course i had to add that one. for some reason, that music makes me very sentimental. o.k. , i might tear up a bit. but when i hear it, i think of my journey- when i started it( this past march- believe it or not) with my first mammogram. from there things moved so fast, it seems to me. i took a few days off, when i had the fine needle biopsy, and then again for the sterotactic biopsy, but i worked up to the day before my surgery. i see my plastic surgeon again on october 26th, and he will decide when my last surgery for the reconstruction will be. i think it will probably be the second week in november, from what the office staff has told me. the surgeon said that i would need about two weeks to recover from the surgery- it is an out patient procedure.
one of the hardest parts of this whole process has been the chemotherapy. i am not used to being in bed with a cold wash cloth on my head for large parts of the day! as my dad used to say, it was something that really " got my attention" ! the nausea was something that really sidelined me for more time that i could have imagined. but of course, another challenge has been losing my breasts. i was switching out my summer night gowns for my winter night gowns last night, and i came across all of my old bras. i had just stashed them in a chest upstairs, and had forgotten about them. of course, i can not wear them anymore. i suppose that it was just too difficult for me to throw them away at first. my husband offered to throw them away for me, but i wanted to do it myself. i constantly remind myself that i am so fortunate to have had my children and breast fed them before i had breast cancer. my heart goes out to those women diagnosed with breast cancer who are young, and have not had this opportunity. i think that working in health care has enabled me to see that whenever i start to feel sorry for myself, i can think of so many others who have had a more difficult journey than my own.
so, i am beginning to ask myself some difficult questions, such as where to now on my journey? i am still somewhat in the recovery stage. i have occasional nausea and headaches, and a few of my toes are still numb from the chemotherapy. my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes are finally starting to grow back in, so i look " less sick". i do get pretty tired in the afternoons, and i am not as patient with myself, perhaps, as i should be. but i am beginning to wonder where i am going from here. what do i want to do with my life? i received a good thyroid cancer check up this week, but all and all i am pretty tired of cancer. i do not want it to define my life, as others say, but in reality, it just does. everything has changed- but not all of it is negative. i am still humbled by all of the cards, gifts, and comments on facebook that i have received from friends that i know and do not know. i hope that everyone knows just how much that has meant to me. some days, when i was feeling so poorly, a card would come in , or i would read a supportive post on facebook, and it would just make my day. the good thoughts, best wishes and prayers helped me get through the really tough parts. and i am so very grateful for that.
so like the hobbit on his journey, i am not sure what is waiting for me on the road ahead. i am trying to put one foot in front of the other, and hoping that i make good decisions along the way. i think that in some ways, the first part of my journey was a little easier than it is now. at this point , i still have some health choices to make, but it has become a question of not so much how, but where i am going. i will have to get back to you on that one.
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