" so comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings." from the hobbit, by J. R. R. tolkein

i guess that this is my favorite quote from the hobbit. i know that i have used it a few times in my blog. but it is a good reminder to me that unpleasant things do not go on forever, although they might seem to. i can really relate to  bilbo baggins, though. here is this person who is just going about his normal daily life, when out of the blue, fate dropped a bomb shell and his life changed forever. that pretty much sums up what happened to me. i was just going about a "normal" life, when a yearly mammogram sent me on this unexpected journey, and changed my life forever.

just when i thought that i had this "new normal" life almost figured out, i encountered some more twists in the road yesterday. i went for my three month check up with the oncologist, and blood work. with the exception of about three lab values, that are not critical ones, my blood values have returned to normal. score one for me. i have been having some pretty severe  muscle and bone pain with the arimidex( estrogen blocking drug). it is the best choice for my situation and age group, so i am trying to see if these side effects will go away. at first, i also had nausea( the bane of my existence) and night sweats. thankfully, these two side effects are mostly gone. i am hoping that my body can adjust to the bone/ muscle pain and i can continue to take the arimidex. the oncologist said that we would give it two more months and see how i do. there are other choices for estrogen blocking drugs, but they may not be quite as effective as this one. twist number one: the doctor said that new studies have shown that instead of taking the estrogen blocking drugs for 5 years, as previously thought, it may be beneficial to take them for TEN YEARS.holy cow, i was not expecting that! my eyes must have gotten pretty big, because the doctor said, well, we will evaluate the situation in 5 years and make a decision at that point.

this is the biggest twist in the road: the oncologist also said that i would come back for more blood work and another office visit in march( i had expected that) but he also wanted to do a CT scan with contrast dye in may, 2016 to make sure that the cancer had not spread to my chest, lungs or bones. the oncologist said that even though my cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes, it was an aggressive type, and having had three fairly good sized tumors and an area of different cancer cells, i was at risk of the cancer spreading. i was pretty shocked to hear this, for some reason. i guess that it is good that the doctors do not give you all of the information at one time because it could be pretty overwhelming.

several people have asked me what stage breast cancer i have. ( or as  i like to think, HAD). i asked the oncologist, and he just shook his head. he said that it is more complicated now to assign a stage to breast cancer. there are so many factors to consider - how many tumors, what size they are, what type of breast cancer( mine was invasive lobular- a fairly rare kind), and of course lymph node involvement to name a few . and if that was not complicated enough, not every physician agrees on the guidelines for staging breast cancer. some consider the size of the biggest tumor, some add the tumor sizes together,etc. so the oncologist said, if he had to guess, it would probably be a stage IIb or so. sounds good on paper, but that does not tell the entire story, so i will just not worry about staging. i plan to follow up with all testing and therapy recommended, and maintain a positive attitude.

on a lighter note, thank goodness, there was a lot of interest in my "hair" yesterday. i saw the nurse practitioner first, and she asked to see my hair( i was wearing a pre-tied chemo beanie. plenty of bling on it, i might add!) she asked if she could feel it- i said o.k. no it was not creepy. she laughed and said that it was so very soft- like baby's hair. when the oncologist was getting ready  to leave, after his visit, the nurse practitioner said to the doctor " you have got to feel her hair!". to my amazement, he did, and said that it was indeed very soft, and that i was doing a fine job growing it out. he said that pretty soon i would not need my scarf. i told him i was not sure i was brave enough to go without my scarf just yet. besides, my head gets cold! it is so true about losing your body heat through your head. my two month old granddaughter and i are having a " hair growing contest". she was winning, but now i think that i am ahead. pun intended! there has to be some good news, right? even if i am having a little difficulty slaying that darn dragon.

so my surgeon said to me yesterday, when he removed the bandage on my chest, " i think we dodged a bullet "

i was really dreading going back to the surgeon yesterday. i had not removed the dressing on my chest because i was afraid to look! the surgeon told me that i could remove the bandage in 5 days or so, and that i could then take a shower. but i think that i made the correct decision to wait another day or two. ( don't worry, i took tub baths !) i was afraid that the surgeon would want to add more saline or remove some of the stitches( while it seemed like i had 50 or so, i only have  7 stitches). my chest is very sore now- at least the part that is not numb. i was thankful that the doctor wanted to wait until next week to continue with the "expansion process.". yes, that still makes me think of the oregon trail computer game.

when the doctor  told me that " we dodged a bullet", i got up enough nerve to look at my chest. it does not look as bad as i had imagined , and i have to say that while the suture material was probably thick enough to knit a sweater with , the surgeon has made nice, tidy little stitches. the most important thing to note, is that the procedure that he did in the office last week,  along with the oral antibiotics that i took, prevented any infection. while i am sore, i am still on track for my final surgery date. that is provided that the expansion process goes well.  i am so thankful that i am going to be able to get this surgery done next month so that i can begin to put at least some of this behind me.

i saw a cartoon on face book of a butterfly being pulled over by a police officer. he was telling the officer that the picture on his driver's licence was an old one. it showed a picture of a caterpillar. i thought that it was funny until a store clerk told me, while she was checking my driver's license, " oh, that is a picture of you when you had hair!". ha-,ha,-ha. i think my husband was waiting for some sort of explosion, but i just calmly told her that yes i had hair then, but that  i would have hair again before too long. there are so many unexpected events that go along with having cancer. procedures do not go as planned, and sometimes people say the strangest things. i have found, though, i do best when i just try to make the best of things. i suppose if i wore wigs, it might be easier for me? but i have discovered  that scarves just feel right for me. they are soft, comfortable and as one person told me, " they fit my bohemian style". i took that as a very nice compliment, because i do like to be myself . as i get older, i find that the person  i need to please is  me. after all, in the end, i will be the one responsible for all of my life choices. i want to be happy and proud of the decisions that i have made.

sometimes, in life, it seems there is so much that is not under our control. it feels to me like i have been dodging a lot of bullets for a while now. some found their mark, of course. but overall, i am thankful that things have happened as they have. i am grateful to all of my family, friends and of course to all of the wonderful medical staff that have helped, and continue to help me along my journey with breast cancer. my faith is a personal thing to me, but it is stronger now,  and i am not sure that i could have gotten through this journey without it. it has been said that it takes a village to raise a child and i agree. i also think that it takes a village to successfully get through cancer.

Yo, Ho, Ho.......and a bottle of Advil (??!!!)

my faith, family, and friends are what got me through chemotherapy. i will admit that one other thing that really helped me get through the hard times was the promise of a beach trip. we did not get to go on vacation this year, during the summer, as we usually do. my husband promised me that just as soon as i finished chemo, and was feeling better,  we would take a trip to the beach.


we usually go to the outer banks, but due to distance and weather concerns, we picked a place closer- on the north carolina coast. i was going to be happy anywhere that had an ocean and fresh seafood! it took us about 6 hours to get here. that is about 3 hours shorter than if we had gone to the outer banks, which as it turned out, was a good thing.

on the saturday night, before we left for our trip on sunday, the place on my chest which was not healing decided to break open again. this time, it was a rather large hole. my surgeon said that he would do the surgery on that place at the same time as he would do the surgery for my permanent implants. with that in mind, i just re-dressed it as i have been doing for about 5 months now , and finished getting ready. long story short, i knew that something was "different" this time, so i called the surgeon on monday morning. he asked me to text him a picture of the area, which i did. within just a few minutes, his nurse called me back and said for me to come to the office immediately! when i explained that i was at the beach on vacation, she said " sorry, but the doctor wants you here ASAP". we had just unpacked the car less than 24 hours ago, but early tuesday morning, we found ourselves packed up and headed to the surgeon's office.

i was hoping that he would just look at it and give me some antibiotics. i was afraid that he might put me in the hospital. what he did was something in between. when i got to the office, his nurse took me way down the hall to the "sterile room". she said, " you have never been  to this room before, have you?". that was my first sign, you might say. so, after a quick exam, the surgeon told me that first,  he was going to remove quite a bit of the saline from the implant on that side. it was disheartening to see my chest go down on one side. i just joked and told him " you sank the Titanic!". he laughed and said that it was " deflate gate" all over again. he must be a football fan.

then he got out the topical anesthetic and told me that he was going to numb me up for some surgery. i am so glad that i had not thought of him doing this ahead of time. my husband thought there might be a chance the surgeon would  do this, but he wisely kept that thought to himself. at least i did not have too much time to worry about what was going to happen.. so he did the " re-cut and re-stitch" part of my surgery yesterday. he told me to look the other way and i usually look, but this time i took his advice. good idea.the surgery actually  took quite  a while, but my husband was waiting for me in the waiting room and helped me out to the car. i did get a prescription for antibiotics, and  i have to check my temperature and watch for signs of infection. my surgeon told me that i could return to the beach, but that i have to be back at his office on monday.

 thankfully, there are several good things to report. i am sore, but i seem to be doing o.k. i am taking my antibiotics and there are no signs of infection. i am dreading the, at least two, sessions where the surgeon will have to add the saline back into my temporary implant. this has to be completed and there be no infection before he can do my final surgery. AND I AM AT THE BEACH!! nothing quite like a little "vitamin sea" and flounder to make a person feel better. hopefully this has not delayed the final surgery, which has already  been scheduled for december 4th. so, a pirates life for me- at least for a few more days. thanks again for everyone's prayers and good wishes!