" go back, he thought. no good at all! go sideways? impossible! go forward? only thing to do. on we go! so up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him, and his heart all of a pitter, patter. " from the hobbit, by j. r.r. tolkien

this is precisely how i feel. i feel as small as a little hobbit, my trusty little sword in hand, staring up at an enormous, fire breathing dragon( breast cancer). my unexpected journey started up again today, and i am frightened, sad, overwhelmed, and discouraged. but i am also determined to get better, whatever dragons i may have to slay along the way.

today, i had my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon. it was a more difficult visit  than i had imagined. i am so glad that i stopped by my husband's work place so that he could go with me. the surgeon discussed the procedures again- he likes to go over everything twice he said. that is good because my husband was there to catch any information that either i did not, or did not want to hear.
the most upsetting thing about my appointment today was when the nurse took pictures. i can not explain why that upset me so much, but it did. i was not embarrassed, that was not the reason. i guess the reality of what is going to happen to me in a little over a week is starting to seep in.

the waiting has definitely been hard. but in some ways, it may have been a good thing. i have been able to take a little time to get adjusted to what will be, as the saying goes, my " new normal". hey, i already have a new normal  courtesy of my  thyroid cancer. as my navigation  system likes to remind me when i drive somewhere, i will have to " redirect my route".

working during this "waiting time" has been good for me overall. i get really, really tired but i enjoy what i do, and the people that i work with have been wonderful to me. when someone sees that i am exhausted ( the red eyes and blank stare probably give this away) they jump right in to help me. i try to do my fair share of the work, and i do not like to ask for help( my husband calls this being stubborn). somehow my coworkers know when to come to the rescue without me having to ask. i am very fortunate to have such considerate people to work with.

go back? not possible. sideways? not sure how to do that! so the only thing that i can do now is to go forward. i am not sure what is ahead of me, but then again, none of us have the answer to that question. so, i have my trusty little sword with me, and to quote bilbo, from the hobbit again, " so comes snow after fire and even dragons have their endings."