the good news is that my chest infection is improving! i saw the plastic surgeon on thursday, and he said that we could wait six weeks before my next check up. that is the longest time that i have gone without being in his office! i have gotten to know those people- nursing staff, office staff, the doctor- so well, that i now bring home baked cookies, muffins, apples from the orchard,etc. whenever i go. it is a small office, and the nurses always give me a hug when i come in for my appointments. not that i enjoy the visits, necessarily- there have been some pretty intense, scary times. especially the time that my surgeon re-cut and re-stitched the place on my chest. he just injected some topical anesthetic into my chest and told me " bea, you had better look the other way." i usually look when i have things done, but this was one time that i was happy to look away.
i have blood work coming up this week. and i have an appointment with the oncologist next month, and more blood work. i also have lots and lots of testing coming up in april. i hope that i will have enough blood to satisfy all of those hungry doctors! i dread the appointment with the oncologist next month. to be honest, every time that i go to the oncologist's office, i get sick on my stomach. i thought that i was probably just going crazy, but my husband told me that he has read that many patients experience nausea at the oncologist's office if they have had chemotherapy there. hearing this makes me feel a little bit better, even though i do feel a little like a participant in a weird experiment of some kind. you know, the ones where the rat does a back flip for some cheese or something?
tests aside, i am trying to move forward with my life. things have certainly changed. my hair has started to grow back a little. i told my husband that my hair reminds me of a q-tip at this point. it is extremely curly, and if i even get near the hair dryer, it poofs way up, reminding me of a "poodle do". i have had to adjust to the way i fix my hair, but also i am trying to adjust to the way i look. and i am not talking about just my hair.
i look in the mirror and i see someone that is unfamiliar to me. i would like to say that i am still the same person on the inside, and i mostly am, but that has changed some as well. i am not saying that it is all bad. this is my second time with the" big C", but this time, things have been more intense, frightening, life changing. i have a better idea of what things are important, what things are not important, and i am overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for all the good things in life.
the big thing that i am now working on, now that the task of just surviving the surgery, chemotherapy,etc, is coming to an end, is to answer the question, "where do i go from here?". i have been struggling with the question of if i should return to work or not. i have been in contact with my district manager, and i have been as honest with him as i could be. some days, i felt as though i could go back to work and do a decent job, and some days i just could not imagine being able to hold up for a 10 hour day. i do miss most of my co-workers and customers, but the stress at my store( the busiest one in our district) is daunting. is this the best thing for me and my family? i am not sure at this point. my medical leave of absence ends on march 18th. i will have to make a final decision by that date. i am pretty sure that if i feel able to come back to work, i will only work a few hours a month. this is the scenario that i am leaning towards, but i am not 100% sure at this point.
uncharted territory, indeed. i have been a pharmacist for almost 40 years. i have seen things change so much from the time that i started working. i have kept up, though, and feel that up to this point anyway, i have done a good job. there are a few things - different things, dreams you might say, that i would like to do with my life. as a good friend of mine pointed out, our lives do come with an expiration date. i feel somewhat like the little hobbit on his unexpected journey. i have slayed the dragon ( hopefully), and now i am on a journey back home. wherever that may take me.
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