where to now, on my journey?

when i started this "unexpected journey with breast cancer" i was pretty numb. i knew the facts of my situation, from a health stand point, and i knew, after research and discussion, what my treatment options were going to be. i just did what i had to do to hopefully get rid of this cancer and get better. a lot of people that i know have said that i am brave, but i do not feel brave at all. i suppose that if you consider a quote that i have come to consider my  motto of sorts, and i will paraphrase, " being afraid of the horse, but saddling up to ride anyway" then i am somewhat brave. that is what i have had to do. i have had to make difficult health choices, and i have been scared to death at times, but i have followed through with what i believe will be best for my health. or to put it another way, i have done what i had to do, so that i can be here to  spend more time with my family and friends.

i purchased  a new cell phone this weekend. it has been fun exploring  all of the new gadgets that this phone has, and i am really looking forward to taking better pictures of my children and grandchildren. last night,  i was playing around adding ring tones for various contacts and message alerts when  i came across the theme song  from the "hobbit, an unexpected journey". and of course i had to add that one. for some reason, that music makes me very sentimental. o.k. , i might tear up a bit. but when i hear it, i think of my journey- when i started it( this past march- believe it or not) with my first mammogram. from there things moved so fast, it seems to me. i took a few days off, when i had the fine needle biopsy, and then again for the sterotactic biopsy, but i worked up to the day before my surgery. i see my plastic surgeon again on october 26th, and he will decide when my last surgery for the reconstruction will be. i think it will probably be the second week in november, from what the office staff has told me. the surgeon said that i would need about two weeks to recover from the surgery- it is an out patient procedure.

one of the hardest parts of this whole process has been the chemotherapy. i am not used to being in bed with a cold wash cloth on my head for large parts of the day! as my dad used to say, it was something that really " got my attention" ! the nausea was something that really sidelined me for more time that i could have imagined. but of course, another challenge has been losing my breasts. i was switching out my summer night gowns for my winter night  gowns last night, and i came across all of my old bras. i had just stashed them in a chest upstairs, and had forgotten about them. of course, i can not wear them anymore. i suppose that it was just too difficult for me to throw them away at first.  my husband offered to throw them away for me, but i wanted to do it myself. i constantly  remind myself that i am so fortunate to have had my children and breast fed them before i had breast cancer. my heart goes out to those women diagnosed with breast cancer  who are young, and have not had this opportunity. i think that working in health care has enabled me to see that whenever i start to  feel sorry for myself, i can think of so many others who have had a more difficult journey than my own.

so, i am beginning to ask myself some difficult questions, such as  where to now on my journey? i am still somewhat in the recovery stage. i have occasional nausea and headaches, and a few of my toes are still numb from the chemotherapy. my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes are finally starting to grow back in, so i look " less sick". i do get pretty tired in the afternoons, and i am not  as patient with myself, perhaps, as i should be. but i am beginning to wonder where i am going from here. what do i want to do with my life?  i received a good thyroid cancer check up this week, but all and all i am pretty tired of cancer. i do not want it to define my life, as others say, but in reality,  it just does. everything has changed- but not all of it is negative. i am still humbled by all of the cards, gifts, and comments on facebook that i have received from friends that i know and do not know. i hope that everyone knows just how much that has meant to me. some days, when i was feeling so poorly, a card would come in , or i would read a supportive post on facebook, and it would just make my day. the good thoughts, best wishes and prayers helped me get through the really tough parts. and i am so very grateful for that.

so like the hobbit on his journey, i am not sure what is waiting for me on the road ahead. i am trying to put one foot in front of the other, and hoping that i make good decisions along the way.  i think that in some ways, the first part of my journey was a little easier than it is now. at this point , i still have some health choices to make, but it has  become  a question of not so much how, but where i am going. i will have to get back to you on that one.