happy mother's day

i will have to admit that i was in a much better place on this mother's day compared to last year. last year i was trying to keep a stiff upper lip as they say, knowing that  i would be facing a serious operation in just a few days. an operation, i might add, that  would change my world in unimaginable ways. i have said before that it was best, for me anyway, to deal with things one step at a time. had i contemplated the surgeries, chemotherapy, mental/physical changes to my body, etc  all at the same time, i am not sure that i could have made it. i will admit that sometimes my mind sort of shut down. that is why it is so important to take a trusted person, a good listener, with you to your important doctor's appointments. several times i would ask my husband about  certain things- procedures,etc, and he  would say, "don't you remember the doctor explaining that to you?". well, no, i guess not. perhaps i was thinking about rainbows, butterflies and puppies at the time.

one time i actually looked around to see who the doctor might be talking to. surely he was not talking to me! this happened when i had my ultrasound, after my second  mammogram - which was the first clue that something was wrong. i was in the radiologist's office, and he was pointing to the monster on the screen . surely that was not my film that  he was showing me! it must belong to someone else. even though this was a "call back" appointment, i was sure that i was fine ( i had had three  call backs in the past- all false alarms). i did not take anyone with me- that was the last time that i went alone to any major appointments. i am not sure how i made it home- it is about an hour drive from the imaging center to my house. i guess my car just knows the way home, thankfully.

i feel that i have a lot to be thankful for. while things have been difficult, they could have been so much worse. i am thankful that i had never skipped a mammogram, and i always encourage other women to have their mammograms on a regular schedule. i am forever grateful to the radiologist who decided to do the sterotactic core  biopsy instead of the lumpectomy/radiation that was first scheduled. that doctor not only saved me from having even  more surgeries , but she probably saved my life. my cancer was caught much earlier, and my prognosis is better because she cared enough to do the right thing.

having had  cancer twice, i have done a lot of soul searching. the chemotherapy that i received with my breast cancer simply knocked the stuffing out of me. i had a lot of nausea,etc, so plenty of time to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling, and really think about my life. some days i believed that i would never feel any better, but some days i had hope. i have never said " why me? why did i get cancer?" i will say that i was at very low risk for breast cancer, so for all those women  reading this and thinking that they do  not need to be concerned, i had only one risk factor- i was taking a very small dose of estrogen/progesterone. no one in my family had/has breast cancer and i breast fed both of my children. mammograms are still extremely  important, even if you are one of those women who feel you are in the clear and do not need them.

back to the soul searching. as i said, i did not ask why me, and  i did not blame God, but it did give me pause. i felt that i had my priorities pretty straight, but having this second  cancer gave me even more incentive to think about what was really important in my life. i thought about what i want to be doing with what is left of  my life. i want to be happy and i want to spend time with my family. i am working part time now, but i do not want to work the rest of my life. i want to appreciate the world around me, and live in the moment. i do not want to think about death too much ( i do a little, i will admit), but instead, i want to celebrate life. i have had a lot of support from family and friends, and i have had excellent doctors, nurses and others who have taken good care of me. for that, i am forever grateful.

so happy mother's day! i hope that everyone had a good mother's day, and was able to celebrate the day with family and/or good friends. i will be a one year breast cancer survivor on may 22nd, and i have hopes that i will get a good check up on may 25th. regardless, i am happy to still be here and am looking forward to the future.